Sex — an act as innate as eating and breathing for most animals — can be nothing short of a confusing mess to humans.
During sex, it’s usually tough to track what’s going on at any given time — physically, emotionally and energetically. Everything is happening at once. One moment you’re focused on your own experience. Another moment you’re focused on your partner.
Maybe you’re having thoughts about your performance. Maybe you wish something was different but you don’t know how to communicate that desire. Maybe you’re having invasive thoughts about work, or about a movie you just saw.
And sometimes — Praise the Lawd! — you get to experience the ineffable sweetness of connection with another human being.
So let me ask you: How can we dudes increase the chances of experiencing that ineffable sweetness? And how do we address the parts of ourselves that detract from that possibility?
In the past decade or so of coaching hundreds of men, I’ve noticed that there are three styles — or more accurately, stages — of men as lovers. I’ve given names to these stages to add a touch of humor to what could be a “touchy” subject.
- Anxious Al
- Conrad Control
- Bruno Bliss
These three characters exist in all of us, from the rankest amateur to the greatest love-genius, and at any moment in a sexual situation, one of these guys is probably running the show.
So in case you can’t imagine their personalities from their names alone, I’ll lay it out for you in more detail.
Anxious Al is preoccupied with questions like “Will I get it up?” and “Will I come too soon?” Al feels most safe in his head, which, of course, keeps him from really living in his body. As a result, his preoccupations tend to come true. Anxious Al often struggles to get hard and when he does, he comes before she even starts to moan. He watches a lot of porn. When Al is having sex with a partner, his eyes are mostly closed and he’s usually fantasizing he’s with a porn star, or a “sexier” partner than the one he’s with. Al’s main sexual goals are to “get it up and keep it up” whenever he wants.
Conrad Control has found a way — whether through practice or because he’s naturally gifted — to control his tendency to ejaculate early. But he’s also preoccupied with the technique and how-to’s of sex, making him mechanical and formulaic in the bedroom. Conrad likes to pleasure women for the ego boost it gives him, and putting all of his attention on his partner takes the pressure off his “performance.” Conrad’s main complaint is that he doesn’t feel a lot during sex, and that he’s cut off from the source of his sexual desire. Conrad is envious of how much pleasure some women appear to experience during sex and secretly wants that for himself.
Both Al and Conrad have a tendency to live in the future and see sex as a series of steps designed to get to the ultimate goal: ejaculation. The two of them are cut off from their bodies in their own unique way.
Does any of this ring true to your experience in the bedroom? It certainly sounds like the sex I experienced for many years (especially that Conrad guy!) — and even today, Al and Conrad still jockey for position in my psyche.
Bruno Bliss is our third sex character style. Bruno is not interested in his “performance” or goal-oriented sex. Like Conrad, he has mastered ejaculatory choice. But instead of using control, he relaxes into the present moment with his partner. Any breathing or other techniques he’s learned have been so smoothly integrated into his lovemaking that his partner barely notices. Instead of preoccupation with future results, Bruno is aware of what feels good now and allows more and more of that into his sexing.
Without the burden of Al and Conrad’s preoccupations, Bruno is able to pay plenty of attention to his partner, but he’s also tracking is own desires and experience in the moment. Bruno is a sex god not because of his massive cock or endless thrusting ability, but because he treats lovemaking like he would dancing the tango, enjoying a fine meal, or a creating a work of art.
Bruno Bliss is:
- Confident in the bedroom
- Relaxed and not posturing as a “good” lover
- Can choose to make love for 5 minutes or 5 hours
- Capable of having full-body, multiple orgasms
- Capable of giving his partner orgasms through penetration
- Connected to his desire and passion
- Regularly chooses pleasure as a way of life
So how can we increase the chances of our Inner Bruno running the show? Here’s my short list.
- Gather information: About women, about sex, about your own body.
- Tame your shame. Train yourself to relax and manage your anxiety.
- Expand your orgasmic capability.
- Use willpower to overcome your outdated habits.
- Cultivate the capacity for greater intimacy.
- Give yourself lots of opportunity for practice.
A great place to begin (or continue) this journey is with my MultiOrgasmic Lover program. In addition to teaching you how to have multiple, full-body orgasms, I’ll teach you how to manage shame and anxiety, how to feel more confident in the bedroom, how to easily manage your arousal levels during sex, and how to give your woman incredible amounts of pleasure.
Check it out: MultiOrgasmic Lover for Men.
I salute the Bruno Bliss in all of us!