How to see women for who they are

Do one of these ways of viewing and treating women ring true for you?

1) Putting the Pussy on a Pedestal. I think that phrase comes from a popular movie a few years back. If you’ve done this once (or many times) before, you know what I’m talking about: You mentally and emotionally turn a real-life woman into an idealized version of the feminine. This strategy is almost always doomed to failure. If you’re a “roll out the red carpet” kind of guy — and you’re doing that as a way of securing love and affection — chances are extremely high that your tactics are going to come back and bite you in the ass.

What I’ve noticed during the times I’ve treated women this way is that they stop trusting me and they start doing things to “break” my idealization. Her style of breaking you may be to get angry, to withdraw and become unavailable, to start sharing sexual or emotional energy with someone else, or some combination of the above. It can get messy!

2) Women are objects to be acquired. If you a guy who treats women as “scores,” or notches on your belt, listen up. This method of connecting might make you feel good about yourself in the short term, but it sucks if what you want is real intimacy, connection, and great sex for the long haul. The techniques of a pick-up artist might help you get a great woman into bed, but they won’t help you maintain a great relationship.

My version of this distortion has been to use women as objects of desire to shore up my lack of self-love and self-esteem. The simple version of my story goes: If I could only secure enough sexual contact, it would validate me as a man and I could feel good about myself. This conditional way of viewing oneself — if I get enough sex, then I’m OK — creates a lot of suffering for all parties involved.

 

SEEING WOMEN FOR WHO THEY ARE

Here’s the alternative to the above two options: Treat women as honored equals while maintaining a strong sense of connection with yourself and owning your sexual power.

I’ll refine that:

Men who have successful, pleasure-filled, long-term relationships with women 1) treat them as honored equals while 2) maintaining a strong sense of connection with themselves and 3) owning their sexual power.

Let’s look at the three parts of what I’ve just said.

1) Treating women as honored equals. If you treat her like an unattainable goddess, she won’t trust that you REALLY see her. She won’t respect you because she’ll know that she can walk all over you. Alternatively, if you treat her like an object to be obtained, she’ll be, at the very least, annoyed: No one enjoys being treated like an object. (OK, almost no one!)

I want you to really consider those words: Treat her as an honored equal. Can you get what that means? Not “higher than” or “lower than.” Take a moment to just get a sense of that.

2) Maintain a strong sense of connection with yourself. This means that you stop putting all of your focus on HER needs, HER reactions, and HER issues as a means of securing her love and attention. Instead of seeking for validation from her, focus on practices that bring you a greater sense of connection with yourself. These can include:

  • Meditation
  • Mindfulness practices
  • Solo movement or dance
  • Focus on your life purpose
  • Connecting with other men in a conscious way

The side benefit of experiencing more self-appreciation is that you automatically become more attractive to her. Good women are naturally drawn to guys who have a healthy relationship with themselves; those men exude a unique brand of self-confidence.

3) Own your sexual power. Many guys I talk to are constantly giving themselves away to the women in their lives. They have this great resource — called sexual power — then they pretend she’s in charge of it. That she keeps it in this box with a label on it that says “Mine to use when I want.” Then the guy feels like he has to beg her for a scrap of his own energy! I guarantee you that women do not like this (usually unconscious) strategy. She can’t take it from you if you don’t give it to her!

Owning your sexual energy means knowing how your body works — what it’s truly capable of. It means learning to channel all that energy in your genitals throughout your body in ways that feel good to you. It means REALLY getting that you are the source of pleasure. And it means channeling sexual energy into more than just sexual outlets!

Sex energy is creative energy. It’s life force energy. If you’re masturbating and ejaculating to porn regularly, you’re wasting that life force that you could be creatively using in other ways. I’m not saying that masturbating to porn is always bad. But if that’s the only way you’re expressing sexual energy, you’re definitely cheating yourself. You’re sitting atop a gold mine and you’re looking at this little gold nugget in your hand and thinking, “This is it! My little precious chunk to last me all my life!” — when there’s so much more gold to be enjoyed.

So before you take action with one of my suggestions above, start by making an honest self-assessment. Where are you on the Pussy-Pedestal/Objectification spectrum that I just outlined? And if you’re not pleased with what you discover, what’s your alternative vision for your intimate relationships with women?

Making a fundamental change in how you relate to the opposite sex isn’t rocket science, but it does take commitment to your own growth and a willingness to love and care for yourself when the old habits rear their stubborn heads. In addition to commitment, having a network of supportive friends is also helpful. So is working with a therapist or coach who knows the territory.

If you’re thinking that now’s the time to make this kind of change, then go for it! And know I’m here cheering you on.

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