Your Guide to the Masculine Tar Pits

Guys! Are you getting annoyed at the beautiful, loving babes who are throwing themselves at you? Need to find a way to distance yourself from that amazing woman in your life?

I’m here to help.

After years of research and painstaking personal experience, I’ve discovered the keys to repulsing all sorts of sexy, kind-hearted, and intelligent women. Buckle up, because I’m ready to share these valuable secrets with you.

I call these secrets the Masculine Tar Pits, because they are unparalleled at making you appear, in her mind, like a giant lizard and will lead to your rapid extinction from her life.

There’s a good chance that you’re doing one or more of these already, but I want you to Up Your Game and become skilled in each of them. Who needs women anyway! Much better to slowly sink towards death, alone.

1. Stop listening to her.

Most of what she says is nonsense. Blah blah blah feelings yak yak drama blah blah complain. She won’t benefit from a firm, clear request telling her you want to hear what she really wants to say. Why bother interrupting? Just tune her out and start fantasizing about your ideal woman — a deaf-mute 18-year-old with teeth that roll back. (I know you, dude.)

2. Treat her like a curvy, hairless man.

Gender distinctions are so last century: Men and women have now been proven to be 99 and 44/100% alike. Why focus on our differences? Treat her like your “bro.” Expect her to think just like you. If she needs to talk about a problem, interrupt her with the solution as quickly as possible. If she complains, give her a wedgie.

3. Resent her.

Right now, you’re probably resenting your woman for three things, minimum, so you’ve got this one covered. But if you’re a “nice guy” and are having trouble coming up with reasons to be angry with her, ponder this: She’s the undisputed gatekeeper for sex in your relationship, and she has the power to turn you into a helpless, whiny street urchin. Imagine that you’re Oliver Twist approaching her with your Bowl of Sexual Desperation, asking for “more,” in your tiny, screechy voice. Damn. Doesn’t that make you want to throw a tantrum or pout and withdraw your love from her? Attaboy! Do it now.

4. Preoccupy yourself with your sexual shortcomings.

Since hiding your sexual guilt and shame is as easy as breathing, most of you guys have got this one covered, too. But if you actually feel good about your sexuality, you’re in danger of drawing women towards you. Here’s my foolproof strategy for sinking deeper into this Tar Pit:

  1. Picture your worst sexual experience.
  2. Exaggerate the details so the memory gets even fouler.
  3. Draw a picture of the scene on a Post-it, give it a title and stick it where you will see it frequently throughout the day.
  4. Every time you look at it, hang your head and say to yourself, “Because of [insert the title of your experience here], I will never have the sexual life I want.”
  5. Now, every time you’re in a position to feel a lot of pleasure or sexual excitement, recall the scene, hang your head and say those magic words. Done!

5a. Stop caring about your appearance.

It’s time to see just how unconditionally your woman loves you. Stop those time-consuming habits like showering, tooth-brushing, hair- and beard-cutting, nail-trimming, and butt-wiping. I guarantee you’ll have more time in your day for important things, like watching porn. Bonus points for wearing the same clothes every day for the next two months. Now you’ll see if your woman loves you for your “inner beauty” or if she’s preoccupied with superficial appearances.

5b. Stop taking care of other things.

Take your “testing” of her to the next level. Leave your clothes around. (It’s only natural!) Stop keeping a to-do list. (Live spontaneously!) Don’t throw anything out. (You never know when you might need it!) Stop tracking your finances. (Trust in Allah!) Once again, you’re freeing up huge chunks of time AND seeing if her love is true.

6. Lower your consciousness.

Emotional intelligence is an oxymoron. Presence is overrated. So is self-improvement. Why are you even reading this? Click over to your favorite porn site.

7. Simplify your communication.

Exactly.

Your Doom is Approaching!

Perhaps you’re beginning to hear the slow, inexorable churning of the dark sticky goodness nearby. Good. It means that you’re standing close to the Tar Pits, or maybe you even have a foot or two in them. Mmmm, squishy! Now you can really start looking forward to your loveless, sexless, fossilized future.

Important reminder: If a woman starts getting too attracted to or interested in you, review this list and apply one of the secret keys.

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